When Your New Boyfriend is Friends with His Ex

Cherie Bennett
Thu, 03 Jun 2010 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Hey, Cherie!

I know you wrote a recent column about a girl who had broken up with a boy and then found out that she was jealous of him when she saw him with other girls.

That is not me. I have a different problem. I am in 10th grade and have a new boyfriend. Call him Diego because his real name starts with "D." Diego is a great guy and I love him a lot. We got together about a month ago and I have never felt this way about a guy. He is kind, smart and hot, and he has his license and a car. I never feel bored with him, and if you knew me, you would know that is a big deal.
Updated: Wed Jun 02, 2010

Hey, Cherie!

I know you wrote a recent column about a girl who had broken up with a boy and then found out that she was jealous of him when she saw him with other girls.

That is not me. I have a different problem. I am in 10th grade and have a new boyfriend. Call him Diego because his real name starts with "D." Diego is a great guy and I love him a lot. We got together about a month ago and I have never felt this way about a guy. He is kind, smart and hot, and he has his license and a car. I never feel bored with him, and if you knew me, you would know that is a big deal.

The problem with Diego is Cassandra. Cassandra is Diego's ex-girlfriend. They broke up in April after going together for about four months. However, it was not a breakup like most breakups. Diego and Cassandra are still friends. In fact, they are still good friends. They are both tennis players on the school teams and play tennis together. I go into the cafeteria and see them eating together. I know that they instant message at night on the computer because I have been at Diego's and seen the messages.

You will probably ask how Cassandra is with me. She is nice but not like my best bud.

Why am I writing? I want Cassandra to leave Diego alone. I have talked with Diego about this. He says that Cassandra is his good friend and I have to learn to live with it if we are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

— Jealous of the Ex

Hey, Jealous!

Some person smarter than me said that there are problems with solutions and situations with outcomes. (Wait. Let me look it up. Huh. Never would have guessed it. The first reference I found was to the late science-fiction writer Isaac Asimov. Who woulda thunk it?)

I think what you've got here is a situation that can only have an outcome.

One of the hardest things in life is to get someone else to be or act the way you want them to be, as opposed to what that person actually wants to do. You want Diego to break it off with Cassandra on your terms. I'm going to guess that means no contact, or at least no instant messages, no tennis and no lunches. Diego doesn't want to. He has made that abundantly clear. Cassandra doesn't want to, either.

That leaves the choice in your capable hands. Is it too painful for you to deal with? It could be. No shame in that outcome. Can you tolerate it and not like it? That's an outcome. Do you want to bet on the future and hope that Cassandra gets a new boyfriend who changes the picture? That's an outcome, too.

No solution here. Just outcomes. Ugh. Welcome to life.

Hey, Cherie!

It is the time of year for parties and I hate parties because I always feel like I'm by myself and have nothing to say to anyone. I am just not a talkative person and don't really like talkative people. But if I don't go to the end of the school year parties, I'm going to be totally abused.

— Party Hater

Hey, Party!

I feel your pain. I'm not a big party person, either ... unless I'm giving it! These days, though, you can always use the PDA defense. No, not Public Display of Affection. Personal Digital Assistant. If you've made the good effort to overcome shyness and have honestly tried to connect with people, there's always something to do on your cell or PDA. No one will bother you.